Relationships are the depth of feelings between people; there is no speed in relationships, only depth.
If the relationship is very deep, then one can express needs based on that depth and receive help from the other party.
If the relationship is shallow, then you cannot speak deeply. If you do not speak deeply, you cannot express your needs to each other, and if you do express a need, that would be overstepping.
I used to think that relationships between people were established based on binding interests, that everyone gathers together when there are benefits, and disperses when there are none. Material interests are the foundation of relationships; those teaching on Douyin say the same.
I often think about a problem between people: when someone asks me for help, I weigh in my mind that if you have never helped me, why should I help you? So I don't help you, and I politely refuse. You want me to help you, but when I was in a bad situation, you didn't help me either. I think this is right because relationships are mutual. In fact, this is just calculation; this is utilitarianism.
From a business perspective, this is indeed correct, but from a relationship perspective, it is ridiculously wrong.
I went on a trip to Xinjiang this time, and I realized that my viewpoint was actually wrong.
The relationship between people is based on the risk assessment after two feelings align. Your contributions are your absolute risks, and risks are the burdens that should be borne to deepen relationships.
The relationships between people are not based on interests, but on sincerity, goodwill, and values. These three elements create a feeling of alignment between people.
Goodwill arises based on sincerity or shared values.
I have known someone for ten years, and he has asked me for help at important moments, but I have always refused. Although we have known each other for ten years, our relationship is not deep; that time has not deepened our bond but rather made it more superficial.
There is no other reason; I purely feel that he is not very sincere towards me.
A person's thoughts are very perceptive; you can immediately feel whether what this person says is sincere, whether their actions and expressed values are consistent.
Later, over a trivial matter, I concluded that he had no goodwill towards me at all.
Once, I was at a gathering with several people, and he mockingly said in public, 'I heard you were sick; where does it hurt? You're doomed!'
I said, 'Haha, it's just a small problem.'
He did not show me any genuine concern in his tone, nor did he say how I should take care of myself in the future, or simply ignore mentioning my illness in public.
I keenly sensed in my heart that deep down, he was actually wishing for my misfortune, or for me to be a bit worse off than him. Now knowing I have a minor illness, he came to mock me directly. Why does he treat me this way? I know his behavior contains dissatisfaction based on my repeated refusals of his requests.
What is sincerity? It is how you are during your most important moments, how you treat the important people in your life, and that is how you should be. This is sincerity. If you are respectful to important people, you should be respectful to others too. If you are rude to important people, then you should also be rude.
I often see people on social media saying they are grateful to others, grateful to someone, altruistic, doing good, etc. I feel that such statements are too elaborate and beautiful, almost too exquisite; I don't like to touch it. Acts of gratitude should always be expressed through actions and kept in the heart. If you speak it out, it naturally conveys a shallow meaning. Saying this every day becomes a display to embellish one's character. I really dislike this feeling.
Values are about what is good and what is bad. Many people around me say I am stingy, that I am thrifty, that I earn money but don't spend it. They say, when young, you should spend more; otherwise, when you grow old and die, it will be meaningless. You should have more fun. But my value is that I like to produce; I don't like to waste time on consumption. I enjoy producing things and gaining wealth; that is my joy. Everything I choose is based on production, not on consumption. The joy gained from production far outweighs the little joy from consumption. Due to differing values, they won't understand mine. People whose values are vastly different from mine will definitely feel out of place. If they say a few shallow words, I don't want to say much more; it has no meaning. What I enjoy is discussing production. Everyone encourages each other to improve production and earn more money.
Goodwill is the projection of the world's essence onto an individual, which is then projected back onto the world. The opposite of goodwill is naturally malice. Malice manifests in many behaviors such as being harsh, sarcastic, deceiving, etc. Malice is baseless, merely an individual's projection, not due to differences between people. I once observed a scene: a person from our village bought a luxury car and finally felt proud. He was a novice, and couldn't navigate a small turn at the village entrance. So a person from the slope nearby said to him, 'You can't get past this little bit? Just go past it, turn the steering wheel this way, you won't hit anything.' He listened and drove over, resulting in a bang as the new car hit the stone slab. The person from the slope immediately mocked him, asking how he got his driver's license if he couldn't even get past this. His face was filled with satisfaction. The luxury car owner initially wanted to show off, but as a result, his new car got scratched, and he muttered angrily, 'Your foot is meant to make you lame.' His face wore an expression of resentment.
I felt that the malice between two people had blended together, coalescing into a darker malice. Then this malice split into two streams that immediately flew over to consume their inner goodwill. As a result, I felt that what they projected onto others was mostly malice outweighing goodwill.
Relationships do not develop with people who often harbor malice. If he has none towards others, others will not have any towards him.