BREAKING: Bitcoin Hits $110K, Wall Street Buys Laser Eyes, Bears Apply for Night Jobs
In a historic turn of events, Bitcoin has officially shattered its previous all-time high, moonwalking past $109,000 like it just got paid in sats by Satoshi himself. Crypto bros worldwide are now considering champagne showers, Lambos, and maybe even paying rent on time.
At $110,000 per BTC, the market is euphoric. Reports are coming in that one guy who bought pizza with Bitcoin in 2010 is now suing himself for emotional damage.
Wall Street analysts, previously skeptical, are now wearing laser eyes on their LinkedIn profiles. One hedge fund manager was overheard saying, “We don’t understand it, but we’re buying it anyway.”
In Nigeria, a choir was spotted remixing “To the Moon” into a full praise medley. Meanwhile in the U.S., the IRS has started meditating—trying to spiritually prepare for the capital gains tsunami coming their way.
Not to be left out, the bears have updated their résumés and started applying for remote jobs at Dogecoin support desks. One anonymous bear admitted, “I thought $30K was the top… I also thought fidget spinners were the future.”
Analysts now predict targets of $135K to $320K, with some crypto bulls suggesting, “Let’s just round it up to infinity and retire.”
In conclusion: If you’re reading this, it’s not too late. Unless you’re a bear. Then… good luck.