The Fed just wrapped up their meeting and… yeah, let’s just say the only thing rising faster than interest rates was Powell’s blood pressure when someone whispered “soft landing.”
Wall Street: They held rates! — “LET’S GOOOO, MOON MODE!”
Powell (deadpan): “Did I stutter?”
Millennial homeowners: “Sooo… refinance time?”
The Fed: “LOL. Not even close.”
Current Market Vibes:
Stocks: Vibing like it’s summer break
Bonds: Midlife crisis, full spiral
Crypto: Raging like it’s 2021 again
Gold: Unbothered, glowing, zen
Recession: Still waiting in the lobby, flipping through vintage Newsweeks
Powell’s entire press conference in one line:
“We’re doing what needs to be done.”
Translation: “We’re winging it with spreadsheets and vibes.”
Let’s be real—FOMC meetings now feel like a crossover episode of Wall Street anxiety, Fed-speak bingo, and Gen Z discovering that “hawkish” isn’t the name of a new streetwear brand.