I used to think honesty was a simple thing.
No lying.
No cheating.
No fabricating.
Like taking a test without looking at the paper next to you—simple and clear.
Coincidentally, I read a quote from Richard Feynman:
"The first principle is that you must not deceive yourself - and you are the easiest person to fool."
At that moment, I felt a chill.
Not because this statement is too new.
But because it’s true in a... uncomfortable way.
And then, I started to question myself.
I think about the times I strongly declared:
"This decision is completely rational."
"I handled that very reasonably."
"That person is wrong - not me."
But when I take a step back, I realize:
Many things I call "reasonable thinking" – in reality are just systems of fallacy.
A system that operates so smoothly that... I believe it is true logic.
Just like drawing a roadmap based on where you want to go,
not based on the actual terrain.
And even if that map is beautifully colored with ideals and sharp reasoning,
it still... leads me astray.
There’s a very ironic truth:
The better I am at reasoning, the easier it is to deceive myself.
The more a little reputation I have, the harder it is to accept uncomfortable truths—even when those truths are discovered by myself.
Now I live a little differently.
I practice questioning the things I once believed firmly.
I write down my thoughts.
Read it back slowly.
And ask myself:
"Am I interpreting honestly, or playing the role of an intelligent person?"
I note the discomfort I feel each time I am challenged.
Then ask further:
"Am I afraid of being wrong, or just afraid of losing face?"
I'm not good at this.
There are still times I cling tightly to a viewpoint,
just because I once boldly defended it to others.
But I began to understand more clearly what I needed to do:
Don’t try to always be right.
But try to always be honest.
Perhaps, that is the only way for me to stop deceiving myself—
one more time.