RaazR

Welcome to crypto, the only place where a dog-themed coin can outpace your 401k, and a single Elon tweet turns ‘stablecoins’ into rollercoasters. Buckle up—this is going to be messy.
1. The Three Types of Crypto People
The “Expert” Guru: Posts from a rented Lambo, promises 1000x gains, and disappears when the rug pull hits (along with your life savings).
The Degenerate Gambler: YOLOs their rent money into a meme coin called $PONZI2.0—because the first one worked out so well.
The “HODL” Survivor: Still holding Bitcoin from 2013, unfazed by crashes, and probably living in a bunker.
Fact: 99% of crypto Twitter experts started as "just a guy who bought SHIB early.
2. The Crypto Market Explained (For Normal Humans)
Bitcoin: Digital gold (if gold dropped 30% because someone sneezed).
Ethereum: The "world computer" that charges $50 to send $5.
Memecoins: A lottery ticket, but with more dog memes and less dignity.
Stablecoins: "Stable" until the SEC wakes up and decides they’re not.
Pro Tip: If a project says "trustless, decentralized, and community-driven," it means "no one is in charge, and your money is gone."
3. Why You’re Probably Going to Lose Money
Pump & Dump 101: Whales buy low, tweet rocket emojis, you buy high, they sell. Congrats, you played yourself.
The “Next Bitcoin” Trap: Spoiler—it’s never the next Bitcoin.
Rug Pulls: When the devs "abandon" the project (and take your cash to the Bahamas).
Signs You’re in a Scam:
✅ Website has Comic Sans font
✅ Whitepaper is just a meme
✅ Devs are "anonymous" (aka already in Bali)
4. How to (Maybe) Not Get Rekt
DCA Like a Champ: Dollar-cost average instead of panic-buying at ATH.
DYOR (Actually): If you can’t explain the project, don’t invest in it.
Avoid FOMO: Just because your Uber driver is shilling a coin doesn’t mean it’s a good idea.
Remember: "In crypto, you either become a millionaire or a cautionary tale. There is no in-between.
Final Thought:
"Crypto isn’t a get-rich-quick scheme—it’s a get-poor-quick scheme with extra steps. But hey, at least the memes are good."
🔥 CTA:
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"This article is satire/opinion, not financial advice. Crypto is riskier than explaining Bitcoin to your grandma. Do your own research (DYOR), don’t YOLO your life savings, and remember: 99% of ‘gurus’ are just guys with a rented Lambo photo. Trade at your own risk—I’m not responsible for your gains, losses, or sudden urge to buy a meme coin named $SQUIRREL."