Arbin Alvi

#FOMCMeeting BREAKING: The FOMC just held their meeting and the only thing that rose faster than interest rates was Jerome Powell’s blood pressure when someone mentioned “soft landing.” Wall Street bros: “Rates paused, we moon!” Powell: raises eyebrow “Did I stutter?” Meanwhile, every millennial with a mortgage: “Can I refinance now?” FOMC: “That’s gonna be a no from us, dawg.” Markets are reacting like: Stocks: up Bonds: confused Crypto: partying like it’s 2021 Gold: sipping tea Recession: waiting in the lobby like it’s a dentist appointment Powell’s official statement: “We’ll do what we gotta do.” Translation: “We’re winging it with charts.” Honestly, the only consistent thing about FOMC meetings is the panic, confusion, and a new generation learning what “hawkish” means. Catch you at the next meeting—bring popcorn and an emotional support economist.