BREAKING: The Fed just wrapped its meeting—and the only thing climbing faster than interest rates was Jerome Powell’s stress level when someone whispered “soft landing.”
Wall Street bros: “Pause on hikes? Time to send it!”
Powell: Raises one eyebrow “You sure about that?”
Every millennial with a mortgage: “So… can I refinance yet?”
FOMC: “Yeah, that’s a hard pass, champ.”
Market vibes:
Stocks: Up like it’s earnings season
Bonds: Staring at the ceiling, questioning existence
Crypto: Throwing a rave
Gold: Unbothered, glowing, sipping matcha
Recession: Still stuck in the waiting room, reading 6-month-old magazines
Powell’s official message: “We remain data-dependent.”
Translation: “We’re guessing, but with spreadsheets.”
At this point, the only guaranteed outcomes of an FOMC meeting are market whiplash, media overanalysis, and Gen Z finally learning what “hawkish” means.
See you at the next one—bring snacks and maybe a therapist.
