Half an hour before landing, I saw this legendary city through the window - it was like God played (SimCity) with cheat codes and suddenly pressed the "get rich" button in the desert; those spiral skyscrapers, palm-shaped islands, and floating light rails that should only appear in sci-fi movies were now scattered like gilded Lego toys on the yellow sand, while the Arab lady next to me, wrapped in a black robe, calmly painted her nails, gold dust falling onto her Hermes bag worth three months of my salary.
1. Transportation: When camels meet maglev
The baggage carousel at Dubai Airport is bigger than my living room, with an electronic screen scrolling "Welcome to the Future" - later realizing this was actually a warning. As I walked out with my luggage, I was suddenly surrounded by three uncles in white robes holding gold-trimmed iPads, asking in curry-scented English: "Would you like a luxury car transfer?" Their expressions were as sincere as if they were selling tickets for Noah's Ark.
I chose the more down-to-earth light rail, which surprisingly has no driver. The air conditioning in the car is cold enough to give penguins arthritis, and the glass windows display real-time speed and outdoor temperature - 52°C. My first experience of a "Dubai-style cold joke" was when the train passed the world’s largest shopping center, and the electronic screen suddenly started playing a Chinese advertisement: "Buy gold, get oil!" I later found out this was a prank video by a Chinese travel group.
Taxi driver Mohammed claims to be a retired F1 driver, his proof being he drives a Toyota Camry with the thrust of a jet plane, "Speed limit? That’s for camels!" He laughs, running through the third yellow light, as the (Quran) recitation on the car screen and the navigation's "off-route warning" rise and fall together, the meter jumping faster than my heartbeat, and when the amount finally displayed, I was sure I saw four zeros before the decimal point.
2. Accommodation: Reflecting on life on a golden toilet
In the lobby aquarium of the Burj Al Arab, a devil ray winked at me while the front desk guy, wearing a Rolex Submariner, scanned my credit card with the intensity of a counterfeit detector. "Sir, your room is on the 52nd floor, and the elevator is equipped with oxygen masks." This sounded like a threat. The door handle of my room was wrapped in gold thread, and the minibar contained diamond-studded bottled water - labeled "drinkable, but not recommended to take the bottle."
Woken at three in the morning by the automatic heating feature of the smart toilet, the blue light made me think I was filming (Avatar 2). The next day, I switched to a desert tent hotel, where at night I lay in the "starlight room" counting artificial satellites, while the snoring of a German couple next door blended with distant wolf howls into a wonderful duet. The server brought a nightcap made with camel milk, tasting like melted cheesecake mixed with sand.
3. Attractions: Jumping back and forth between the clouds and the sea of sand
The elevator to the Burj Khalifa moves as fast as a rocket launch; my eardrums surrendered by the 90th floor. Below the observation deck's glass floor, cars the size of ants move about. A Russian giant lay crying on the ground as if robbed of his vodka. In the selfie stick forest, Korean aunties take turns performing the classic pose of "finger holding the tower"; I helped them take pictures for twenty minutes and received three packs of kimchi as a tip.
The desert surfing project is dubbed the "stomach migration exercise", as the driver drifts while playing (Gangnam Style) through a Bluetooth speaker; when the 4x4 plunges from a 45-degree dune, the Japanese girl in the back seat with a bun has her hair erupt like Mount Fuji. In the evening, at a Bedouin camp, an Arab guy in an Armani suit teaches me to smoke shisha, and I end up blowing myself into a teapot that spits steam.
The old town feels like another Dubai torn open by a time-space rift. In the spice market, the scent of saffron and curry powder materializes like (One Thousand and One Nights), with shopkeepers using "Alibaba-style" sales tactics: "Dear Chinese friends, here’s a 40% discount! - The original price is something I just made up." In the gold shop, a 22K camel-shaped necklace stares at me, its eyes two emeralds.
4. Food: When gold becomes a food additive
The "gold coffee" at the trendy restaurant left my tongue tingling, with edible gold leaf resting at the bottom of the cup - I only found out later that it was just a decoration. The burger shop in Dubai Mall served a beef burger with black gold bamboo charcoal bread, brought to me with a POS machine, fearing I might go bankrupt after eating. The most shocking was a restaurant owned by a sheikh, where the waiter pushed a cart with a silver cover - a whole roasted camel wearing a diamond necklace, looking mournful as if accusing capitalism.
But what truly amazed me was the Iranian saffron ice cream in the alley, where the owner skillfully slapped it onto a steel plate with a spatula, looking as cool as performing chest-breaking stunts. There was also the Arab breakfast by the Dubai River, with hummus and pita bread, so cheap I questioned if the currency was wrong.
5. Shopping: Suffering from choice paralysis in a tax-free paradise
In the aquarium tunnel of Dubai Mall, devil rays and shopaholics observe each other through the glass, a luxury store launches a "buy a bag and get a gas voucher" promotion, while Chinese shoppers set up tents outside Hermes, the most magical being a gold vending machine, with a coin slot bigger than my microwave, spitting out gold bars stamped with "Made in Alibaba".
But what really emptied my wallet was the date palm section in Carrefour, where the tasting staff were as enthusiastic as long-lost relatives: "Try this King Date, sweeter than first love!" - I later found out the sugar content could indeed sustain three first loves. At checkout, the cashier asked if I wanted "duty-free". I stared at my cart full of camel milk chocolate and saffron toothpaste, suddenly understanding why there’s "luggage check-in fracture discounts" at the airport.
6. Survival Guide: How to stay sober in the magical city
Sunscreen should be applied thicker than foundation; otherwise, you’ll get the "desert exclusive skin tone" in five minutes.
When encountering an uncle in a white robe promoting a "private beach club", please silently repeat three times, "Oil doesn’t fall from the sky".
Don't go out on Fridays, as the locals' weekend starts at noon; the streets are as quiet as a zombie movie scene.
Before posting a photo of a luxury car on social media, confirm that the owner is not present; some license plates are more expensive than the cars themselves.
Learn two phrases in Arabic: "Yalla" (let's go) and "Mafi fulus" (no money), lifesaving tools.
On the return flight, I watched the Burj Khalifa shrink in size; it looked like a thermometer stuck in the desert. The flight attendant brought the last cup of Arabic coffee, with gold leaf and sand settled at the bottom. I suddenly understood that the charm of Dubai lies in this absurd reality - while you’re queuing at the gold ATM, the melodious call to prayer from the mosque floats in the distance, and your phone is editing out leg hair from the camel ride photos.
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