Author: Rosie
Compiled by: Deep Tide TechFlow
In this industry, we all have to deal with VCs to some extent. Some VCs are a godsend, but most are not. Here is a 'field identification guide' to help you see through them before it's too late.
Disclaimer: This article is a satire. If you feel offended, you may belong to one of the categories 1-9.
No venture capitalists were harmed in the writing of this article.
1. Anti-airdrop evangelists
They will talk grandly about 'building real value', but once their tokens unlock, they will immediately sell off. What they really mean is: 'We don't support you doing airdrops, but we will certainly take our own airdrops.' These people will teach you how to design tokenomics when your project crashes by 80%. The first rule of the VC sell-off club is: you do not talk about the VC sell-off club.
2. Marketing family salesperson
They invested $50,000, but now want you to spend $60,000 hiring their cousin's marketing firm to break even. This marketing firm only has three clients: you and two other projects funded by the same VC. Their marketing strategy? Get a few influencers who bought the same NFT to post paid tweets.
3. Outdated theorists
Their investment philosophy hasn't changed since 2021. They still talk about 'Web3 social' and 'metaverse infrastructure', but while you're presenting, they're secretly Googling 'What is TEE technology?' However, as long as your business plan mentions 'AI', they're definitely in.
4. Founder-friendly vanishing act
They will spend three weeks deeply researching your project, making you fill out 17 forms, introducing you to their entire team, but when it comes time to fund, they completely disappear. Six months later, they'll congratulate you on Twitter for successfully raising funds from other investors.
5. Traditional finance turncoat
They only joined the crypto industry in 2022 but will never let you forget they used to work at Goldman Sachs. They may now be active on Crypto Twitter (CT), but they remain obsessed with showcasing their past experiences on LinkedIn. Their entire added value service is 'professional email templates' and 'equity structure best practices'. They've never used a hardware wallet and will still ask, 'What are gas fees?'
6. FOMO pioneers
They've completely ignored your project for months until they see another VC mention your field on Twitter. Suddenly, they rush into your DMs asking for an 'urgent call'. They will present terrible investment terms with a 24-hour explosive deadline. Once you accept, they take another three weeks to send over the documents.
7. Long-termism paper hands
They watched an interview with Cathie Wood on CNBC, where she said Bitcoin would rise to $1.5 million by 2030, and since then they've been repeating, 'We are long-termists' and 'We align closely with founders on a five-year vision'. However, once the market drops 30%, they'll panic-sell and blame the 'uncontrollable market environment'. Still, they will insist on retaining board seats.
8. Empty-headed thought leaders
They have accumulated 50,000 followers by retweeting others' opinions. Their pinned tweet is about 'builder culture', but they've never actually built anything themselves. They will offer to 'mentor' your project, on the condition that they take 2% of the token share. Their advice usually is: 'Have you tried getting anonymous Twitter influencers to promote you?'
9. Early-stage investment high demands
They will pretend that investing in your seed round is a 'blessing', but demand to enjoy privileges in the B round. You'll need to update them daily on progress, allow them to control the board, and have direct contact with your development team. They will message you on Sunday night at 11 PM asking: 'Quick question — when can I buy a Lamborghini?'
10. True builders unicorns
They ask the right technical questions, have gone through multiple cycles, and won't waste your time. They offer not just funding, but real value. They understand your vision because they have been on the front lines of the industry themselves.
They're like unicorns — you might think they don't exist, but once you find one, you'll never consider other VCs again.
Final advice
Don't compromise on choosing investors for the sake of funding. Finding the right partners is the key difference between project success and transforming into a 'DeFi user-facing AI-driven Web3 social layer' in six months (translator's note: a sarcastic reference to grand narratives and slogans without substance).
