RugPullSurvivor

Welcome to crypto, the only place where a dog-themed coin can outpace your 401k, and a single Elon tweet turns ‘stablecoins’ into rollercoasters. Buckle up—this is going to be messy.
1. The Three Types of Crypto People
The “Expert” Guru: Posts from a rented Lambo, promises 1000x gains, and disappears when the rug pull hits (along with your life savings).
The Degenerate Gambler: YOLOs their rent money into a meme coin called $PONZI2.0—because the first one worked out so well.
The “HODL” Survivor: Still holding Bitcoin from 2013, unfazed by crashes, and probably living in a bunker.
Fact: 99% of crypto Twitter experts started as "just a guy who bought SHIB early.
2. The Crypto Market Explained (For Normal Humans)
Bitcoin: Digital gold (if gold dropped 30% because someone sneezed).
Ethereum: The "world computer" that charges $50 to send $5.
Memecoins: A lottery ticket, but with more dog memes and less dignity.
Stablecoins: "Stable" until the SEC wakes up and decides they’re not.
Pro Tip: If a project says "trustless, decentralized, and community-driven," it means "no one is in charge, and your money is gone."
3. Why You’re Probably Going to Lose Money
Pump & Dump 101: Whales buy low, tweet rocket emojis, you buy high, they sell. Congrats, you played yourself.
The “Next Bitcoin” Trap: Spoiler—it’s never the next Bitcoin.
Rug Pulls: When the devs "abandon" the project (and take your cash to the Bahamas).
Signs You’re in a Scam:
✅ Website has Comic Sans font
✅ Whitepaper is just a meme
✅ Devs are "anonymous" (aka already in Bali)
4. How to (Maybe) Not Get Rekt
DCA Like a Champ: Dollar-cost average instead of panic-buying at ATH.
DYOR (Actually): If you can’t explain the project, don’t invest in it.
Avoid FOMO: Just because your Uber driver is shilling a coin doesn’t mean it’s a good idea.
Remember: "In crypto, you either become a millionaire or a cautionary tale. There is no in-between.
Final Thought:
"Crypto isn’t a get-rich-quick scheme—it’s a get-poor-quick scheme with extra steps. But hey, at least the memes are good."
🔥 CTA:
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"This article is satire/opinion, not financial advice. Crypto is riskier than explaining Bitcoin to your grandma. Do your own research (DYOR), don’t YOLO your life savings, and remember: 99% of ‘gurus’ are just guys with a rented Lambo photo. Trade at your own risk—I’m not responsible for your gains, losses, or sudden urge to buy a meme coin named $SQUIRREL."

If you think of a traditional exchange as a fixed-menu restaurant with snobby waiters, Uniswap is a food truck on the edge of the internet where you trade tokens in your pajamas, without explaining yourself to anyone. Here's how the magic works (and how you can get burned by it).
🎪 What is Uniswap?
Uniswap is a decentralized exchange (DEX) that runs on Ethereum and enables direct exchange between users, without intermediaries, KYC or hours of verification. It's like a swap meets crypto where:
- You control the private keys (i.e. you don't trust your money to Vladimir in the Seychelles).