I don’t know if I can be considered 'pretty'. I was born in 1994, with a slim figure, long legs, a thin waist, and fair skin. I was sweet and cute since childhood. In high school, I was also the class flower, often receiving love letters from male classmates and being complimented on my looks. Overall, I should say my appearance is fairly decent.
Here’s a screenshot of someone chatting with me:
My family was not originally poor; in fact, we were quite well-off, so I was treated like a princess since childhood. I had many beautiful dresses, pretty Barbie dolls, and my parents took me to McDonald's (in the 1990s), enrolled me in various interest classes, and traveled to different places... But all of this abruptly ended when I turned 12 (my family's business encountered some issues, and our economic situation became very poor, but fortunately, it has recovered now).
I can't remember much about my life before college, so let me talk about what happened during college.
When I took the college entrance examination, I was admitted to a 211 university. It felt like entering college was the beginning of my nightmare.
On the day of university enrollment, to save on transportation costs, I refused my mother’s offer to accompany me to school and made my way alone, dragging heavy bags through several transfers to get to school. I was the last to arrive, almost at night, to the point where the counselor thought I was going to give up on enrollment.
That day I only had two hundred yuan in my pocket. I charged it to my meal card and bought some daily necessities, leaving me with very little. Then that night, I was informed that I needed to pay various miscellaneous fees the next day, which seemed to be around four to five hundred yuan. I had no choice but to awkwardly call my mom that night to ask for money. I still remember what my mom said on the phone; she said, 'Why do you need money again? Didn’t I just give you two hundred yuan? How could you spend it so quickly? Why does going to college cost so much?' At that moment, I felt very guilty. I also wanted to know why going to college costs so much, feeling like I was increasing my parents' burden, and I felt very sorry for them.
Since then, I have never dared to ask my mom for money again, and she has never actively asked me if I needed money. But I know my parents love me; it’s just that the reality at that time made them unable to care for me, so I could only rely on myself.
To save money, I tried everything possible. I turned down all group dinners and activities. I lived day by day, counting my fingers and strictly controlling my daily expenses. I spent 1 yuan on a steamed bun for breakfast, 3 yuan for vegetables and tofu at lunch, and sometimes didn’t eat dinner or bought a 1 yuan pancake to nibble on when I was too hungry. This way, I could keep my daily expenses under 5 yuan and my monthly expenses under 150 yuan. At that time, instant noodles felt like a luxury; if I could have a bowl of instant noodles for dinner, it was an incredibly happy thing.
I am 170 cm tall. During my senior year of high school, I weighed 120 pounds, but within just two months of my freshman year, I had lost weight down to 100 pounds. During that time, I was really hungry and wanted to eat everything I saw, feeling like my stomach was touching my back, but I could only endure it as I didn’t have extra money to buy food. Every time I passed by the snack stalls near the school, I thought about how fragrant the food smelled and how delicious it must be to eat. I promised myself that when I had money, I would definitely buy a portion to try.
To alleviate my hunger, I thought of a solution: every night I would go to the library to study. As long as I focused on studying, I wouldn’t feel hungry. I would stay in the library until it closed, either doing homework or reading books. I read a lot of books at that time. I suddenly understood why people referred to books as 'spiritual food'; on some level, it truly was my 'food'.
When I was in college, I was most afraid of rainy days, especially in winter. Because I didn’t have a good pair of shoes. At that time, I only had two pairs of cloth shoes, both of which had cracks in the soles. When it rained, the water would seep through the soles, soaking my feet, which were cold and wet, making it extremely uncomfortable. Later, when I had money and bought a pair of sneakers, I realized that there were shoes that could actually withstand the rain and were comfortable even when worn on rainy days.
My clothes are from high school; I have never bought new clothes. The ones I wore most often were my school uniform because it was of good quality and kept me warm. The school uniform that everyone in class despised was the best clothing in my wardrobe. At that time, the girls in class had already started exploring outfit combinations and dressed up beautifully every day. Standing beside them, I felt even more out of place and awkward. I was already lacking in confidence, and this made me even more self-conscious, making me reluctant to join them. However, they probably didn’t intend to include me in their group anyway, given the significant difference in our family conditions. They talked about outfits, cosmetics, and fashion, and I couldn’t join the conversation.
Although I didn’t have many clothes and shoes, I washed them clean and folded them neatly, doing my best to maintain my dignity with limited resources.
During college, some boys expressed interest in me, but I rejected them. Firstly, I didn’t have the time and energy to date; secondly, I felt too poor to deserve a relationship. I believed that relationships should be equal in material terms, and I didn’t want to expose my poverty in front of them, nor did I want to accept their pity and support.
When I was poorest, I only had fifty cents left in my pocket. That time, the class was collecting class fees, and I was the only one who hadn’t paid. I remembered I had a 50 yuan note, but when I returned to the dorm that night, I searched everywhere and couldn't find it, turning every corner, and finally only found a five jiao note. I then believed I must have remembered wrong. I helplessly squatted on the ground and cried silently. I don't know if you understand my feelings at that time; it’s like you thought you had a lot of money, only to find out you were mistaken and actually didn’t have as much as you imagined. It was a deep sense of helplessness and collapse.
During college, I spent all my time either attending classes or doing part-time jobs. I have done various part-time jobs, including tutoring, serving food, distributing flyers, being an event host, and working in a guesthouse...
At one point, to earn more money, I took on two tutoring jobs at the same time, which meant some nights overlapped. That is to say, after teaching one child, I had to rush to the next. At that moment, I really felt like I could collapse on the road. I returned to the dormitory after eleven o'clock every night. Although it was tiring, I couldn’t rest; I needed to save for living expenses and the next year's tuition, or I would have to drop out.
Later, I accidentally found out that there were quite a lot of scholarships at university, so while I was working hard at part-time jobs, I also started studying hard. I actively participated in class discussions, completed every task assigned by the teachers seriously, built good relationships with the teachers, and reviewed diligently for finals. In the end, I achieved high scores in every subject. My overall GPA ranked in the top 1% of my major over four years of university, and I received a significant amount of scholarships each year. This money was enough to cover my tuition and accommodation fees, greatly reducing my burden.
But no matter how hard I saved money, I never thought about applying for student loans or scholarships. On one hand, I felt I could rely on my own ability to save enough for tuition and living expenses; I wanted to leave those opportunities for classmates who needed the money more than I did. On the other hand, my self-esteem was at play; I didn’t want to expose my difficulties in front of others, and I was afraid of how they would look at me.
Even though my life was not going smoothly, I couldn’t turn a blind eye to the suffering of others.
Once, after finishing a part-time job, I returned to school. At the subway station exit, an older lady grabbed my hand and told me she had come to the university town to find her son but couldn’t find him, and now she was very hungry, hoping I could give her some money to buy food. At that time, I doubted whether she was a scammer, but looking at her face, I thought of my mother. She was the same age as my mom, and if my mom were in such a situation, I would definitely hope others would help her. So I searched my pockets and gave her the little money I had left.
During my university years, I also participated in a volunteer organization at school, providing service at welfare institutions on weekends or holidays. It was during that time that I first got to know autism up close. I interacted with those children, telling them stories, chatting with them, and guiding them in rehabilitation training. It was helpless that no matter how many times I went, they didn't recognize me and had no reaction to my words. However, I do not think my actions were meaningless; these marginalized social groups need more attention and care. If my actions can draw more people's attention to this group, then it is meaningful.
During the summer and winter vacations, I would also go to rural areas for volunteer teaching, living and studying with local left-behind children. They faced the harsh realities of life much earlier than I did, yet they still retained their innocence and kindness. The time spent with the children was one of the few happy moments in my university life. I still keep in touch with some of the kids and sometimes send them some money or buy them small gifts.
Looking back, I had a very tough time throughout university, not as colorful and spirited as imagined. Other students' university lives were filled with various club activities, competitions, dating, traveling, chatting with friends about life, and enjoying themselves, while my university life was only filled with hunger, fatigue, and poverty.
Poverty also left me with fewer choices. I had excellent grades in college, and according to the rankings, I qualified for a recommendation for further studies, but I gave up that opportunity to start working and earning money earlier. Every time I think about it, I feel a sense of regret. If I had chosen to pursue a master's degree back then, I would likely have continued studying, and I wonder if I would be living a different life now.
However, people tend to beautify the paths they didn’t take. In my current life, I am actually quite satisfied. Now I have a decent, high-paying job, I can eat various delicious foods within my means, buy nice clothes and shoes, buy all sorts of expensive cosmetics and skincare products, travel to different places, buy gifts for my family, and do many things I want to do...
However, I am still very afraid of rainy days. Whenever it rains, I think of those wet shoes and the cold, piercing feeling of my feet soaked in the shoes.
I am doing well now; here’s a picture of me now:
(I originally wrote this response inspired by this question. I have never shared this unpleasant past with those around me and I don’t want them to know; I don’t want them to see me with pity and sympathy. I am very grateful to everyone for patiently reading my answer and giving me a lot of encouragement and blessings; you are all kind and gentle people~ Thank you very much.)
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Six months ago, I wrote a response on a whim, and I don't know why it has received so much attention and likes recently. During this time, I have also received a lot of encouragement and blessings. There are too many private messages; although I haven’t replied to them all, I have read each one carefully, and I can feel your gentleness and kindness towards me.
What I actually want to say is that the margin for error in life is much larger than we think. Perhaps you are currently facing some difficulties and setbacks, going through some dark times, but life will not end because of that. Just like ten years ago, when I was sitting in the library, hungry, wearing torn shoes, feeling embarrassed as people around me whispered, I never imagined that ten years later, I would be cheering at a concert of my favorite idol, dining in high-end restaurants, chatting confidently with accomplished people in the industry, and running freely in a long dress on the beaches of the Maldives... I have met all kinds of people and seen a broader world. I will end this update with a quote I recently saw: I want to ride a white horse, I want to move like a meteor, I want to run, laugh, and fly to any place I can think of.
