One, Bybit hacked for $1.5 billion? Hacker: I'm helping you test wallet security! 😱

This week's headlines in the crypto world must be about Bybit being hacked for $1.5 billion, directly breaking the industry's theft record! The hacker probably thought it was too boring that Binance delisted AMB, CLV and personally went to teach everyone what 'decentralized withdrawal' means—directly withdrawing $1.46 billion from Bybit's offline wallet, and kindly transferring it in batches, fearing the exchange couldn't keep up.

Bybit President Zhou Ben livestreams: 'User funds are safe! We've borrowed 80% of the money!' (Translation: Dear, the coins you deposited might have turned into my debts).

Netizen critiques: “So the exchange's cold wallet is actually a warm baby prepared for hackers!” 🤣

#BybitHacked #CryptoSecurity

Two, Kanye's coin issuance declaration: Fake, all fake! Next week I will personally issue the real YeCoin! 🎙️

Kanye has recently been stealing the spotlight in the crypto world, rejecting the $2 million temptation to issue Rug Coins while announcing he will launch his own 'real coin' because 'everything on the market is fake.'

Fans are panicking: 'Don't! If you issue a coin, should we buy it or copy (the Bible)?' After all, the last one who said 'real coin,' Sun Yuchen, is still writing weekly reports for TRON... 😅

#Kanye #YeCoin #CoinIssuance

Three, Arkham exchange: Spot trading opens in 17 states in the U.S.! Users: Can you let me withdraw first? 😕

Arkham exchange announces it will open spot trading to 17 states in the U.S. starting March 1, but users are more concerned: 'Can your 'intelligent analysis platform' first analyze why the U I withdrew last week is still on the way?'

Bithumb next door is even harsher, pausing services for 6 hours during system upgrades, while kindly reminding: 'Dear, your orders may be canceled~' (Subtext: We're maintaining, but the blame is yours).

#Arkham #Bithumb #SpotTrading

Four, VitaDAO longevity research does tokens: Living long is not as good as cashing out fast! 😒

Longevity organization VitaDAO says it's launching a 'new compound experimental token,' netizens mock: 'That name sounds like a health product pyramid scheme, isn't it the 'Eternal Life Coin'?'

Even more outrageous is that the token will be released on March 25, but pre-sales started on February 25—after all, in the crypto world, the secret to longevity is to learn to 'run fast' first.

#VitaDAO #LongevityToken #CryptoPreSale

Five, Ethereum upgrade: Is the name Pectra meant to make sure we can’t pronounce it correctly? 🤔

Ethereum has upgraded again! This time it's called Pectra, and netizens are expressing: 'Is this name a fusion of Prestige + Spectra?'

The testnet is done, and the mainnet will launch in April, but miners have already seen through everything: 'Will the fees decrease after the upgrade? No? Then I'll just go mine cat coins on Solana!'

#EthereumUpgrade #Pectra #TransactionFees

Six, token unlocking tide: project parties collectively stage a 'run fast' championship! 🏃‍♂️

Optimism and Sui will unlock tens of millions of dollars worth of tokens this week, and the project party smiles slightly: 'The market can handle it! Can't handle it? That's the market's problem~'

Retail investors are crying: 'So the meaning of 'circulation' is 'the amount that circulates to my account'!'

#TokenUnlock #Optimism #Sui

Seven, Brazil Central Bank's new regulation: Stablecoins? No, that's my stablecoin! 🤯

Brazil's central bank is considering banning stablecoin withdrawals to personal wallets, citing 'user protection.'

Netizens explode: 'Got it, just convert USDC to Brazilian Real—after all, fiat currency depreciation is much more stable than the crypto world!'

#BrazilCentralBank #Stablecoins #WithdrawalRestrictions

Eight, analysts predict a bull market in 2025: I can’t keep writing, you all look at the K-line yourself! 🤷‍♂️

Analysts are wildly predicting a bull market in 2025, listing SOL, PEPE, DOGE, and other coins expected to rise.

But the reality is: BTC is partying wildly at $97,000, while ETH is just lying flat due to the ETF decision delay.

Retail investors roar: 'What happened to the promised ‘technical analysis’?' Analyst calmly replies: 'Technical analysis? That’s the tarot card technique I just learned last week!'

#BullMarketPrediction #BTC #ETH #Analysts

Summary:

This week's hot topics in the crypto world are more exciting than Musk's mass emails (by the way, Musk had federal employees submit weekly reports, while the Department of Defense just played dead).

In short, remember the survival rule in the crypto world: Good news lands as bad news, bad news runs out as good news. If you can't tell the difference—it's recommended to directly buy zodiac coins; those born in the Year of the Rabbit will have good luck this year! 😜

(The above content is purely fictional. If there are similarities, hurry up and buy the dip!)