**“Trump launched tariffs. My portfolio launched itself into the abyss.”**
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**1.** Breaking:
Trump nukes trade deals.
🇧🇷 Brazil – 50%
🇨🇦 Canada – 35%
🇮🇳 India – 25%
🇨🇭 Switzerland – 39% (even the neutral got neutralized)
Me: “Ah yes, time to ape into \$FOMO.”
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**2.** Financial news:
“Global markets shaken!”
Crypto Twitter: “Buy the chaos.”
Also me: *buys candle*
Chart: *lights my wallet on fire*
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**3.** TradFi:
📉 Stocks: -1%
🥱 Gold: +0.1%
🫡 BTC: sideways with dignity
🔥 Alts: sent to the shadow realm
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**4.** Group chat analysis:
Macro guy: “This affects inflationary trajectories.”
TA guy: “Symmetrical triangle breakout.”
Me: “Bro I just want my coin to go up.”
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**5.** Buys the dip
Chart: laughs
Me: “Ok cool cool cool. New dip just dropped.”
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**6.** Liquidated faster than a vending machine snack
Tells friends it’s a “long-term strategy.”
Also me: Googling “how to file bankruptcy in the metaverse.”
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**7.** Scans news again
“Swiss chocolate exports affected.”
Me: “Great. Now I’m broke AND sad.”
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**8.** Crisis response:
☑ Deletes app
☑ Reinstalls 6 mins later
☑ Opens chart
☑ Stares at it like it owes me money
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**9.** Conclusion?
Tariffs hit nations.
But my wallet?
**Collateral damage.**
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**🔍 Trend Check:**
Global macro is a mess. Tariffs cause chaos. Memes cause entries. And your entry? Probably wrong. Stay sharp. Stay hedged. Or just stay in stablecoins and memes.
