BITCOIN GIVES YOU BACK YOUR TESTOSTERONE

The average American male is 38, fat, bald, addicted to nicotine pouches, owns a Dodge Charger with a 27% APR loan, plays Warzone until 3am, touches himself to AI-generated feet pics, and has $26.17 in his checking account.

He eats frozen White Castle sliders at 11:47pm, breathes in black mold without noticing, wears a Bass Pro Shop hat like it's a crown, and thinks “buying the dip” means getting Arby’s 5-for-5.

This man is vibrating with untreated trauma, Vitamin D deficiency, and a cryptic loyalty to a government that printed his future into oblivion while offering him $600 in hush money and a 3-month supply of Zyn.

But the second you say “Bitcoin,” he calls it a scam.

AS IF his current life isn’t one.

He’s 3 missed paychecks from homelessness and 3 Coors Lights from crying.

He’s got 17 fantasy football leagues and zero real savings.

He’s never held his own private keys, but he has held a grudge since 2004.

Bitcoin is his only escape.

But he’ll opt for TurboTax, DoorDash, and DraftKings instead.

Marching proudly into economic euthanasia while the Cantillon class eats filet mignon off 3D-printed silver.

Opt out before your soul is wrapped in plastic and sold at Dollar Tree.