Trump announces successful bombing of Iran's nuclear facilities, America wins

Israel announces U.S. intervention, has eliminated the Iranian missile threat, Israel wins

Iran announces that enriched uranium has been moved in advance, Trump pleads for a ceasefire, Iran wins

U.S. stocks announce a return of safe-haven funds, oil prices are low, interest rate cuts are expected, U.S. stocks win

China announces the strait is not closed, oil prices stabilize, A-shares surge, China wins

Russia announces the U.S. has no control over Ukraine, taking the opportunity to expand victories, Russia wins

Crypto friends announce that safe-haven funds are fleeing wildly, everyone has returned except me, it turns out the attacks were all on my accounts, Trump’s unpredictability caused my liquidation, I am left to pay the bill for all the winners, crypto friends lose everything.