#FOMCMeeting BREAKING: The FOMC has just held its meeting and the only thing that rose faster than interest rates was Jerome Powell's blood pressure when someone mentioned "soft landing."

The Wall Street brothers: "Rates are on hold, we're going to the moon!"

Powell: raises an eyebrow "Did I stutter?"

Meanwhile, every millennial with a mortgage:

"Can I refinance now?"

FOMC: "That will be a no from us, buddy."

The markets are reacting like this:

Stocks: up

Bonds: confused

Cryptocurrencies: celebrating like it's 2021

Gold: sipping tea

Recession: waiting in the lobby like it's a dentist appointment

Official statement from Powell: "We will do what we must do."

Translation: "We're winging it with the charts."

Honestly, the only consistent thing about FOMC meetings is the panic, the confusion, and a new generation learning what "hawk" means.

See you at the next meeting—bring popcorn and an emotional support economist.