#FOMCMeeting BREAKING: The FOMC has just held its meeting and the only thing that rose faster than interest rates was Jerome Powell's blood pressure when someone mentioned "soft landing."

The Wall Street brothers: "Rates have stopped, we're going to the moon!"

Powell: raises an eyebrow "Did I stutter?"

Meanwhile, every millennial with a mortgage:

"Can I refinance now?"

FOMC: "That will be a no from us, buddy."

The markets are reacting like this:

Stocks: up

Bonds: confused

Cryptocurrencies: celebrating like it's 2021

Gold: sipping tea

Recession: waiting in the lobby like it's a dentist appointment

Powell's official statement: "We will do what we have to do."

Translation: "We're winging it with the charts."

Honestly, the only consistent thing about FOMC meetings is the panic, confusion, and a new generation learning what "hawk" means.

See you at the next meeting—bring popcorn and an emotional support economist.